The visceral nature of grief and grace

The visceral nature of grief and grace

Grief

(I’m not sure what sort of “content warning” to preface this with, other than it’s about death and dying.) When Shawn’s pulse spiked and I called 911, my immediate internal reaction was, “Don’t you f’ing dare.” So many wonderful things had been blossoming in our lives...
If I’d known back then….

If I’d known back then….

Grief, Self-Forgiveness

It’s funny, the unexpected regrets. When Shawn and I were still dating, we were invited to a wedding. He didn’t have a suit that fit him, so since I was making more money than he was, I offered to buy him one. We went to one of those discount suit places. He fell in...
Perspective

Perspective

Grief, Releasing judgment

It’s not about denial; it’s about choice of focus. Would I rather my husband still be alive? Of course. 100%. But it could have been so much worse. What if he’d died 5 years ago, when the kids would have been even younger? What if he’d died half an hour earlier, in...
It’s not an “either/or”

It’s not an “either/or”

Grief, Love

At Disneyland again with bonus kid, their friend who is visiting for another couple of weeks, and their bio parental. I’m enjoying being A Mom, taking care of logistics, making sure people have fun. Shawn and I had planned to come to Disneyland this month, just...
What I choose to grieve

What I choose to grieve

Grief, Releasing judgment, Self-Forgiveness

Last night, I dreamt I was at the edge of an ocean, vast and boundless. Although there were no waves, the surface was choppy and opaque. I was afraid it was cold, and I was anxious it might get too close. ***** I have been avoiding my Cognitive Grief, trying not to...