If I’d known back then….

If I’d known back then….

Grief, Self-Forgiveness

It’s funny, the unexpected regrets. When Shawn and I were still dating, we were invited to a wedding. He didn’t have a suit that fit him, so since I was making more money than he was, I offered to buy him one. We went to one of those discount suit places. He fell in...
What I choose to grieve

What I choose to grieve

Grief, Releasing judgment, Self-Forgiveness

Last night, I dreamt I was at the edge of an ocean, vast and boundless. Although there were no waves, the surface was choppy and opaque. I was afraid it was cold, and I was anxious it might get too close. ***** I have been avoiding my Cognitive Grief, trying not to...
How I grieve for my dead husband

How I grieve for my dead husband

Grief, Love

Last Thursday, my husband of almost a quarter century dropped dead from one of those “widowmaker” heart attacks. It was a shock but could have been so much worse than it was; I may write later about being grateful for small blessings. A lot of people have been...
Pain sinks deep its claws

Pain sinks deep its claws

Grief

CW: Really big emotions, reference to abuse and generational trauma It’s not just the amount of Stuff. It’s not just about missing someone, realizing anew that I won’t be able to see them or pick up the phone to share a funny thing the kids did today. It’s the...
Untethered but still real

Untethered but still real

Grief

CW: Cancer, death (but not from the cancer) My mother-in-law was a paper hoarder. She had difficulty identifying what was important, so she kept everything. I’d come over and help her match up EOBs with medical bills, discarding the boilerplate FYI’s and ads and empty...